When two people meet, and the energy between them is exciting and strong, they will continue to be together. At the initial stage of the relationship it is about discovering the another, and who we are within the relationship. Subsequently, when two people want the relationship to be permanent regular life begins. This is the moment when couples switch to what I call an "automatic pilot mode." People begin to live in an unconscious way/state, from automatic brain paths that were created way before the relationship started. Slowly partners begin to react to one another from these automatic and unconscious brain paths. The discussions start about one other, and many times one or both feels attacked or misunderstood. At that time all conscious behaviors are unreachable, and the situation will get worse and worse. Or alternatively, discussions are getting avoided altogether, and resentment about one another start to fester.
Relationship problems can occur even with the best intentions. There are so many reasons why problems may occur. Most of the time no one is at fault in these situations. It just slowly happens, and it is the result of not being conscious about self, or not being able to deal with what is happening, or not having access to tools for effective and loving communication. I see my job as "waking couples up" to these emerging, often unconscious, polarized dynamics.
As for the differences in men and women in general, often men and women feel at odds with one other. They can experience communication as frustrating, resulting in feeling not understood. Or they cannot comprehend the ways of perceiving, processing, and acting. As proven in science, men and women have different ways of processing thoughts and feelings due to different brain physiology. It is not uncommon for men and women to experience challenging times to understand one other. Though, it is possible to create happiness with the opposite sex. It is a matter of deep understanding how women and men feel and think, how each are working through to their emotions also as individuals, and how they value certain connections and things in life. That is where my work comes in. Of course aspects like the genetic make up, environmental and cultural experiences, and the emotional history have additional influence of how things are processed in the brain.
My goal is to help all couples understand one other in general and more specifically. Signs and details for potential hurt and problems will be explored, including how the past could be connected to these problems. In our sessions together, men and women will attain insights about self and the other on deeper levels, which in return creates a lot of closeness and understanding. With this new understanding couples will be taught open, inclusive, and deep listening conversational skills. All defense will fade away.
As with individual counseling, I believe people have created familiar brain paths over time in how they see life, see each other, how to perceive, feel, act, and react. These familiar brain paths started from 0-7 years old, and additional ones were created by life’s experiences. Our work is to change these familiar brain paths to new ones that are authentic and consciously chosen. Repetition is one of the major important parts of changing brain paths. Therefore, I assign homework between each session. As with learning to play an instrument, the more we practice, the easier and more natural it becomes.
About 80% of my couples have been heterosexual, and about 20% are same sex couples. While some of the dynamics might be different, there is also a great deal of overlap in the kinds of issues that emerge as problematic due to life’s experiences in general.
It is a real joy for me to work with couples. I like to work with all the different dynamics between people, and help my clients figure out complex issues. I have a high success rate in couples counseling. After 20 years working with couples only 1 couple ended up divorced. All my clients, including the ones who thought they really wanted to end the relationship, found their way back to one other in deep love and understanding.